Post by trashtalker on Jan 7, 2009 15:20:42 GMT 11
Taken from www.thedwarf.com.au
The Ten Commandments of Gigging
by Celine Jennings | Tuesday, January 6 2009
#1. Thou Shalt Know Your Place
This is more or less addressed to those of the more lofty persuasion. If you’re standing at 6’ 1’’, you shouldn’t be front row centre. Sorry, but you must understand: who, of the two of us, you and all of your ungodly seven feet and, I, a diminutive 5’ 3’’, will be able to see better from the back row?
#2. Thou Shalt Dance Appropriately (And Not Bash Me In The Face)
I’m not one to impose on anyone’s good times, but is flinging yourself about like Lady Macbeth really that enjoyable? How about you take it easy on the piss so as not to wave your skinny-chicken arms around, singing off-key and trying to start a skank pit at an Augie March show?
#3. Thou Shalt Shut The Hell Up
Closely linked to the above recommendation, I don’t think the artist you have paid good money to see appreciates your hawking and squawking stageward. They’re not a jukebox: don’t scream out songs you know they’re going to play. Heckling is a dog’s act of lowest regard in the live scene, and blabbering loudly to your seemingly deaf friend while Tim Freedman is introducing the next song only makes me want to fill your mouth with gasoline. Furthermore, don’t attempt to sing along if you don’t know the words. Doing that hernnna-hmmmm-mmmm thing in between the only lyrics you do know makes you seem a bit wrong in the head.
#4. Thou Shalt Not Be A Pretentious Jerk
Nobody likes a know-it-all, as my mother might’ve said if she were wiser. Nobody cares if you can snort condescendingly and was totally into this band before they were cool or have totally met Tim Rogers in the queue at Liquor Landand now you’re bosom buddies. No-one is impressed except anyone unfortunate enough to have an equally faulty intellect as you. Just enjoy the show like everyone else.
#5. Thou Shalt Not Tequila
Again, closely related to #2 and #3, the acrid poison begins behind the bar and should stay there. It can turn the most straight-laced gig-goer into Courtney Love’s drinking buddy. Just think of the way it burns the shit out of your oesophagus on the way back up after a night of lip-sip-suck with your new best friend you just met.
#6. Thou Shalt Not MySpace Photo
Dude, that’s your favourite band on stage, why are you taking 90-degree-angle supposedly candid photos of yourself? “This is us at Faker OMG”: yeah, but where’s the band? Why not get a nice sweaty photo of Nathan Hudson mid-dance instead of three or four or ten of your “photo face”. PS. The constant flash annoys everyone around you, and I bet the band thinks you’re lame.
#7. Thou Shalt Appreciate
Unless the band in question is of Amy Winehouse inebriation and gives a rat-arse show, it’s okay to applaud, even cheer. Too cool to be grateful for a band’s hard work on that there stage? Go away, you’re wasting valuable space, you cross-armed git.
#8. Thou Shalt Give Chance
Don’t dismiss a band altogether because Pitchfork gave them nil stars. Reviewers are there to give an opinion, not brainwash, and you aren’t there to be so. No band will ever get anywhere without a willing public behind them. If you head to the show and think they suck, fine, whatever, go home and play Wii Sports. But don’t sit, laptop-kneed, sneering derisively at a band you’ve never heard of because you’re too lazyshit to form an opinion of your own. That’s douche.
#9. Thou Shalt Defend
I, myself, have received unkind appraisal of my musical taste from my more conventional peers (as if the pinnacle of in all of musical talent were Metro Station) and snooty-poos alike (you are so daring for liking free jazz, really, how do they even let you walk the streets?) but what do I care? I love my music, and I couldn’t give a hoot in a hand basket if you don’t. Don’t fold. Don’t believe the hype. Fight for your right to party with the Proclaimers. Stand up for every Pointer, every Fratelli, even a Pistol or two. You are limited only by your willingness to defend your taste.
#10. “Thou Shalt Not Put Musicians and Recording Artists on Ridiculous Pedestals No Matter How Great They Are or Were”
This one comes from the wisdom of one Scroobius Pip. So-called rock stars are people too, as a novelty t-shirt might say. That guy on stage shredding like a madman, or the frontwoman with the voice of thirty angels, are still just human. They eat, shit, shower, f**k and work like the rest of us. It’s funny what we consider the pinnacle of luxury is just another day at the office for someone like the Arctic Monkeys. Don’t give me no Gods of Rock nonsense; don’t show me your Led Zeppelin Swan Song tattoo; don’t try and make me change my opinion of the Rolling Stones because you think they’re the greatest thing since sliced bread with gold butter. Just a band.
The Ten Commandments of Gigging
by Celine Jennings | Tuesday, January 6 2009
#1. Thou Shalt Know Your Place
This is more or less addressed to those of the more lofty persuasion. If you’re standing at 6’ 1’’, you shouldn’t be front row centre. Sorry, but you must understand: who, of the two of us, you and all of your ungodly seven feet and, I, a diminutive 5’ 3’’, will be able to see better from the back row?
#2. Thou Shalt Dance Appropriately (And Not Bash Me In The Face)
I’m not one to impose on anyone’s good times, but is flinging yourself about like Lady Macbeth really that enjoyable? How about you take it easy on the piss so as not to wave your skinny-chicken arms around, singing off-key and trying to start a skank pit at an Augie March show?
#3. Thou Shalt Shut The Hell Up
Closely linked to the above recommendation, I don’t think the artist you have paid good money to see appreciates your hawking and squawking stageward. They’re not a jukebox: don’t scream out songs you know they’re going to play. Heckling is a dog’s act of lowest regard in the live scene, and blabbering loudly to your seemingly deaf friend while Tim Freedman is introducing the next song only makes me want to fill your mouth with gasoline. Furthermore, don’t attempt to sing along if you don’t know the words. Doing that hernnna-hmmmm-mmmm thing in between the only lyrics you do know makes you seem a bit wrong in the head.
#4. Thou Shalt Not Be A Pretentious Jerk
Nobody likes a know-it-all, as my mother might’ve said if she were wiser. Nobody cares if you can snort condescendingly and was totally into this band before they were cool or have totally met Tim Rogers in the queue at Liquor Landand now you’re bosom buddies. No-one is impressed except anyone unfortunate enough to have an equally faulty intellect as you. Just enjoy the show like everyone else.
#5. Thou Shalt Not Tequila
Again, closely related to #2 and #3, the acrid poison begins behind the bar and should stay there. It can turn the most straight-laced gig-goer into Courtney Love’s drinking buddy. Just think of the way it burns the shit out of your oesophagus on the way back up after a night of lip-sip-suck with your new best friend you just met.
#6. Thou Shalt Not MySpace Photo
Dude, that’s your favourite band on stage, why are you taking 90-degree-angle supposedly candid photos of yourself? “This is us at Faker OMG”: yeah, but where’s the band? Why not get a nice sweaty photo of Nathan Hudson mid-dance instead of three or four or ten of your “photo face”. PS. The constant flash annoys everyone around you, and I bet the band thinks you’re lame.
#7. Thou Shalt Appreciate
Unless the band in question is of Amy Winehouse inebriation and gives a rat-arse show, it’s okay to applaud, even cheer. Too cool to be grateful for a band’s hard work on that there stage? Go away, you’re wasting valuable space, you cross-armed git.
#8. Thou Shalt Give Chance
Don’t dismiss a band altogether because Pitchfork gave them nil stars. Reviewers are there to give an opinion, not brainwash, and you aren’t there to be so. No band will ever get anywhere without a willing public behind them. If you head to the show and think they suck, fine, whatever, go home and play Wii Sports. But don’t sit, laptop-kneed, sneering derisively at a band you’ve never heard of because you’re too lazyshit to form an opinion of your own. That’s douche.
#9. Thou Shalt Defend
I, myself, have received unkind appraisal of my musical taste from my more conventional peers (as if the pinnacle of in all of musical talent were Metro Station) and snooty-poos alike (you are so daring for liking free jazz, really, how do they even let you walk the streets?) but what do I care? I love my music, and I couldn’t give a hoot in a hand basket if you don’t. Don’t fold. Don’t believe the hype. Fight for your right to party with the Proclaimers. Stand up for every Pointer, every Fratelli, even a Pistol or two. You are limited only by your willingness to defend your taste.
#10. “Thou Shalt Not Put Musicians and Recording Artists on Ridiculous Pedestals No Matter How Great They Are or Were”
This one comes from the wisdom of one Scroobius Pip. So-called rock stars are people too, as a novelty t-shirt might say. That guy on stage shredding like a madman, or the frontwoman with the voice of thirty angels, are still just human. They eat, shit, shower, f**k and work like the rest of us. It’s funny what we consider the pinnacle of luxury is just another day at the office for someone like the Arctic Monkeys. Don’t give me no Gods of Rock nonsense; don’t show me your Led Zeppelin Swan Song tattoo; don’t try and make me change my opinion of the Rolling Stones because you think they’re the greatest thing since sliced bread with gold butter. Just a band.